Archive for the Ridiculious Category

The Many Faces of Drunk

Posted in Ridiculious on March 10, 2009 by Dan

I was flipping through my facebook pictures tonight because I was bored and I realized that, through the years, I have many different faces of drunk. Come my friends, let’s take a look at the many faces of inebriation.

If I remember correctly, it was my sophomore year(2004) when we first got the real facebook and so any pictures from my freshman year do not exist. And let’s be honest, if there were any, they wouldn’t have been any good.

This little gem is from New Year’s 2004. The beginning of 2004 is when I got to bond with Des and her little, Megan. How I love them for showing me not only how to throw a good party, but how to have fun at one!

New Year's 2004

New Year's 2004

Big sunglasses and a stripper bowtie are not normally things I would don under sober circumstances.

The summer of 2005 was delightful because I got to go to beautiful San Diego with Charlie to watch Mike get hitched. We were mostly responsible while we were there but one night sticks out in particular. Mike was in the army at that time, and so went on base and bought some cheap liquor from Camp Pendleton and proceeded to drink it heavily before our dinner with Mike and Janet’s family. This picture was taken on the way to said dinner where we drank even more and after which we came back to our hotel and drank until I ended up on a heap on the floor. Oh lord, as Charlie can attest, it was an interesting night.

This is a face you'll see again.

This is a face you'll see again.

Our next entry is from the ADP formal dance thing from our senior year. I was Myla’s date and after prepartying with her before the engagement, we got to the place and proceeded to inhale our two bottles of wine that was supposed to serve as our refreshments for the evening. I was feeling pretty good about myself until Des lured me into the parking lot to drink more with her from her secret stash in her trunk. One of my last clear thoughts from this evening was taking a bottle of vanilla flavored SKY Vodka and chugging it straight from the bottle. Sadness followed shortly thereafter. However, in her trunk was this amazing hat that I wore for quite some time much to my own amusement. Despite this, the night did not end well.

You know you're drunk when you put on a straw hat

You know you're drunk when you put on a straw hat

When your best friend tags you in a picture with a caption that says, “I don’t remember this,” it’s a pretty good sign that not only was she intoxicated, but you were as well. This next one is from Geno’s stoplight party that he threw which involved some serious games of flip cup that was ultimately both mine and Jessica’s downfall. I know this is from my senior year because I’m actually chubby in this picture from a season inactivity, drinking heavily, and eating Chipotle two times a day.

Three mult-colored straws in your mouth = drunk

Three mult-colored straws in your mouth = drunk

Naturally, this journey would not be complete without a spring break picture. Luckily for me, a large group of us traveled to South Padre Island for Spring Break 2007 and enjoyed thunderstorms, power hours, peel and eat shrimp, and drunkenness. Once again, Jessica is my sidekick in this picture. If I remember correctly, she was no where near as drunk as me and this is indicated by the fact that I am clearly grasping for an alcoholic drink without any clear awareness of my surroundings. As a side note, I just remembered that this was the bar where Jessica was selected to be the judge of a bikini contest! So not fair!

Lusting after the drink

Lusting after the drink

As we move into my post graduate drinking days, this next picture made me realize that it was the only time I had ever involved shaving cream and alcohol. The two have such enormous entertainment value that I’m surprised I haven’t combined the two before. If you’re good at picking up on context clues, this was Charlie’s 23rd birthday celebration at his apartment. We barbecued and drank all night and I don’t know why, but I busted out my can of shaving cream and it never seemed to run out. We ended up in Charlie’s community pool around 4:30 in the morning to wash it all off. There was a thin white foam on the surface of the pool after we were done.

If you're drunk and you know it, clap your hands...

If you're drunk and you know it, clap your hands...

When you go to a wedding, I expect there to be booze. However, at Jeremy’s wedding, there wasn’t a drop. So Big Dan and I behaved until after the wedding when we found a pub called Fox and the Hound. We then decided to celebrate and drink for every single person at that wedding and got completely shit canned. It was the first and only time I have ever racked up a $100 dollar tab between just two people. The flight home the next morning was not a lot of fun.

The eyes give it away.

The eyes give it away.

I’m going to conclude with an image that is not the next one in chronological order but one I feel I will never top. In terms of sheer stupid drunkenness, captured in a still image, there is no comparison. This was the night of my 23rd birthday and on sixth street, along with Katie, Jessica, and Geno, I drank myself stupid with free birthday shots and beers.  I dare anyone to top this picture. It is the essence of drunk, the quintessential statue of inebriation.  And so, without further adieu, I give you the #1 all-time drunk Danimal picture:

Perfection

Perfection

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America’s Funniest Home Videos

Posted in Ridiculious on February 24, 2009 by Dan

I can’t believe how entertained I was tonight by America’s Funniest Home Videos. I was near tears for the better part of thirty minutes watching America’s finest stumble, fall, kick, flail, and drop their ways into my heart. Both the young and old relentlessly pummeled my gut with hearty and satisfying laughs. I don’t think I’ve laughed that hard since Balderdash and I was by myself for crying out loud.

I know the host is a bit of a gomer but despite of this, the show has found a series recording (an honor reserved for the likes of Burn Notice and ER) space on my DVR list.

I haven’t left that hard nor felt this good in a while. I just feel relaxed and in a strange way purified. I do love to laugh and haven’t done enough of it lately. I’ll leave you with this segment which was on tonight. If this doesn’t make you at least chuckle a bit, you need to lighten up.

I Have Other Gifts

Posted in Ridiculious on February 13, 2009 by Dan

It’s Valentine’s day tomorrow and being the new guy at work, I figured I’d treat my coworkers to some baked goods from Hagelberg’s Kitchen of Deliciousness. After some thought, I settled on cupcakes because they are simple, not messy, and travel well.

So, I double checked the supplies at home and set off to Kroger to buy the goodies. I got some little paper cupcake holders for the tray, some cake mix, and some little hearts to put on top to give it a hint of Valentine’s Day. I also stopped at McDonald’s on the way home, and is there any food on the planet that has more taste per dollar than a double cheeseburger from there? I say there is not, but that’s for a different day.

Anyways, I got home and quickly mixed the ingredients together, deftly whipping oil, eggs, water, and cake mix into a frothy chocolate delight. I placed the little paper holders in each cup and then carefully poured the batter into each slot. Bake at 350 degrees for 20 minutes.

Piece of cake.

What could go wrong?

This is what I was greeted with 19 minutes later:

My Special-Ed Cupcakes

My Special-Ed Cupcakes

Apparently, you only need to fill up the paper holders halfway and not all the way full. Something about the cake expanding as it cooks.

I can only shake my head.

They still taste delicious when drowned in chocolate frosting but they just look a little…weird. I hope they don’t feel too self conscious; they’re unique little snow flakes in a gigantic cupcake filled world.

I have other gifts.

Short Story MAterial

Posted in Ridiculious on February 2, 2009 by Dan

One day I’ll write out a whole story about this because it’s too good to pass up but basically, at the beginning of a 14 mile long run on Sunday, the Run-On! marathon classes took a route that took them along the outskirts of SMU. A Volkswagon Passat containing four very, very drunk students  began jeering and taunting the group. The proper response was, of course, to tell them, “If it’s so easy, why don’t you get out here and do it.”

Shockingly, two of them actually did. I’ll let the words of someone else finish up this little yarn, but I nearly cried when I heard this whole thing played out. I’m so glad I never became inclined to go on long runs while I’m drunk.

It was PRICELESS. At first there were two guys – one who was the spitting image of John Belushi from “Animal House”, and another one who ran for longer with us. “Jimmy” first ditched is flip-flops in a nearby bush, then pitched his WALLET into the grass along side the rode (still on the SMU campus at this point). At the next aid station he shed his SMU sweatshirt and was down to just basketball shorts and a t-shirt. You could smell the vodka in the air around him. Funny stuff. You can’t just make shit like that up.

I weep for the future but man, it sure will be entertaining.

The Wait is Over

Posted in Ridiculious on January 22, 2009 by Dan

Tomorrow, at approximately 4:45pm, Kaitlin will arrive at DFW airport and will be greeted by yours truly in what will surely be a semi-emotional reunion.

I’m trying to wrap my mind around this event. I have this image of her from when I was back in high school as the cute clarinet player in band with me or the girl who ran by my house one evening while I was working on a skateboard ramp. I have a feeling it will be somewhat surreal to see her seven years removed from these last memories as a grown-up-complete with a car, job, and all the responsibilities that goes with the real world.

You wanna know how I know it’s been a long time since I’ve seen her? The last time we hung out, I didn’t have my freaking driver’s license. I could not legally operate a motor vehicle without my parents being present. That’s just a certain shade of crazy.

I know these nervous feelings are like how you feel before a big race or a test; jittery, anxious but then the professor hands you a test or the  gun goes off and everything becomes clear and focused. I know that once she arrives, we’ll fall right back into step like we used to. It’s going to be great.

I’m going to attempt to sleep now but I’m sure it will be spotty. I have waited a long time to see this woman again and now it’s here.  I can’t belive it’s actually going to happen.

Life is so very, very good.

What’s the World Coming To?

Posted in Ridiculious on January 19, 2009 by Dan

Today, at around 10:12am, an unlicensed 15 year old kid mistook the brake for the gas pedal, hopped the parking curb, the sidewalk and drove straight through the front door of the Sherwin Williams paint store three stores down from Run-On!

It was an amazingly loud and terrible crashing of glass and aluminum siding. We at first thought there had been a wreck in the intersection out in front of the store, but no, someone drove through the freaking front door!

I don’t know what’s weirder, the fact that a mom, grandparent, and sister would allow a 15 year old boy without even a learner’s permit drive a Ford Expedition OR that after having driven said Expedition through the store, they came to our store and bought a $140 dollar pair of shoes.  When I asked the grandma for her driver’s license because she was writing a check. She replied that, “the police had it.” I was speechless as the young kid spoke up and said, “Uh, yea, I kinda had a little accident just now.”

No shit.

The final, amazing part was when the mom came into Run-On! and said that the police were ready to move her car but that because there was a breathalyzer hooked up to the ignition, the grandma had to come and blow before it would start.

What an amazing start to the day.

Posted in Random, Ridiculious on January 12, 2009 by Dan

Jessica, a fitness cyborg from the future who moonlights as my friend, tagged me on her excellent and hunger-pain inducing blog at http://seejessrun.wordpress.com/

Here are my responses in the order I remember them:

4 favorite memories from 2008:

1. The wine and cheese party at Jessica’s house that was a resounding success.
2. My last trip to Houston which included some fantastic runs, a brewery tour, frisbee, Greek food, and Balderdash.
3.  My apartment that I lived in for six months. It may have been a money pit, but we sure did have some fun at that place. My goodness, I had a painted beer pong table in my dining room when I left.
4. Gambling at the horse track with Bryson and Evan.

4 favorite movies (that i saw) in 2008:

1. Role Models
2. Forgetting Sarah Marshall
3. Iron Man
4. Some Like it Hot


4 Favorite foods in 2008

1. Deli Creation sandwiches from Oscar Meyer.
2. Gyros from anywhere
3. Chipotle Burritos
4. Peanut Butter Cup Perfection

4 places i loved in 2008:
1. Cancun, Mexico
2. Houston, Texas
3. Tomahawk, Wisconsin
4. Indiana

4 events i loved in 2008:
1. Jeremy’s wedding
2. Getting moved to Coppell
3. The Patriots losing to the Giants in the Super Bowl.
4. Seeing Guy after basic training in the Air Force

4 things i liked in 2008:
1. Tucker Max Message Board
2. Traveling to see all my friends around Texas
3. My constantly improving golf game.
4. My love for my job has increased exponentially.

4 things i am looking forward to in 2009:
1. Seeing Kaitlin for the first time in seven years.
2. Becoming a store manager for Run-On!
3. Blogging and writing more
4. Another quest for a World Series and a Super Bowl in Dallas

————————————-

So there’s that.

In other news, I spent the whole day with Mike and his sister Katie. While Mike was on my computer stealing music for his new computer, Evan just so happened to IM me. Little did I know, but a filthy and hilarious war of words broke out between Evan and Mike about their heritage, occupation, and sexual orientation.  I’ve saved it and considered posting it here but it’s just not right.

I keep putting off running and I hate myself for not making it a bigger priority. I’ll put it on the to do list.